My name is Rin. I go by they/them/ and he/him pronouns. I identify mentally as genderqueer/nonbinary and physically as male/nonbinary. I’m an also an aquarius sun with a virgo moon and I happen to be transgender. I’m finally starting fundraising for top surgery.
When I was in elementary school I watched Mulan and after I cut off all my hair with craft scissors sitting under our kitchen table. I thought “I’m gonna become a boy like Mulan” I didn’t tell my uma. She was too upset about my long hair laying limp on the floor. I keep it long now. I don’t use craft scissors to cut my hair but I do bind my chest now.
The first time I ever bound was in high school. I bruised my chest, the masking tape was too tight. I cried. I wore a suite to our church. I remember having a friend drive me to the store to buy the coat and stealing one of my brother’s ties. The pastor pulled me aside into his office and demanded to know if I was gay. I was so scared I remember my hands were shaking and he told me they could “fix” me and I knew what the fuck that meant so I lied. He didn’t believe me. I cried in the car and my uma said that she wanted a daughter. She reminds me of that a lot. It’s taken a long time to realize that love is not forcing yourself to be a something you are not.
When I first moved here I learned what being trans was. That you don’t have to be miserable the rest of your life. That you aren’t crazy or a liar. It was the first time someone told me you could get chest surgery. It was the first time I found a queer family and a trans community. I remember asking people to use they for the first time. When someone called me ‘boy.’ When my cousin bought me my first binder. The first time I passed out from wearing it too long because I was dumb and excited. I started taking T. I do the shots by myself even though i’m terrified of needles. I’m almost 4 months now and I’m getting pretty good at doing the shot in under an hour (2 minutes to do the actual shot 58 minutes telling myself to not panic about stabbing myself with the needle lmao) .
I read this part in Patti Smith’s “Just Kids” : On one such day, limping back to the home front beneath the anvil of the sun, I was accosted by my mother. “Patricia,” my mother scolded, “put a shirt on!” “It’s too hot,” I moaned. “No one else has one on.” “Hot or not, it’s time you started wearing a shirt. You’re about to become a young lady.” I protested vehemently and announced that I was never going to become anything but myself, that I was of the clan of Peter Pan and we did not grow up. My mother won the argument and I put on a shirt, but I cannot exaggerate the betrayal I felt at that moment.”That really resonates. They’re not trans, but I get the sentiment. I want to feel the sun on my chest. I want to take my shirt off and look down and see my body as the flat of the horizon. I was to feel my lover’s hands move smoothly down my body. I want to lay down to sleep at night and feel the sheets pulled up into my chest with nothing to meet it. I want it so bad.
A lot of people told me I’d “regret this” ?? life is really fleeting. I want to spend as much time with myself as I can before I don’t have any time left at all. I know what I want. I’ve always known this is what I wanted. I want to be able to look in a mirror and recognize myself. To be proud of my body. To know who it is. I want to feel like I have something to hold onto myself with. It’s hard to be young and scared and floating in a kind of nothingness without even your body to hold on to. I just feel so ready. The longing.
I tell you all of this because I think it’s important that you realize it’s not just “chest surgery.” It’s all of it for me. I used to hate that people would clarify I was trans. I hated thinking that it was a part of me or my personality. But honestly I feel grateful for it all. All the experiences that happen to make up this aspect of my life. And sometimes it does suck and people are cruel but honestly I met my family by coming out, I met people who showed me unconditional love, I met other trans and queer people that make life so beautiful and worthwhile and full. I’m not trying to be cis in any way by doing this. I’m not trying to fulfill “well I guess this is the next step” I’m trying to be Rin. I love being out I love being myself I love being trans.
I’m currently not out to my family for my physical safety but i’m publically out in my own life and spheres. I have no health insurance so I am paying the full fee out of pocket but I know this is something that can happen. I have the most ease of movement right now in my life since I am working somewhere I can take time off to heal and I’m currently in a position where I have a loving community and lots of support. I would be humbled and honored if you helped me in any capacity from a dollar to however much you choose to donate.
ALSO a rough breakdown of where you donation will be going:
D.r stanwix richmond va
• FTM Top Surgery ($7,750)
o Keyhole, Double incision, Periareolar
site: http://www.drstanwix.com/male/ftm-surgery/
I want to make sure I am 100% transparent about where you funds are going and if there ends up being extra it will be donated to other trans folks hormones and/or affirming surgeries in my community.